Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
