did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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