Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
