Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
