Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
