They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
