my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize