remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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