I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
