So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
