i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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