Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
