OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize