he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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