im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
