sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
