how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
