I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
