did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
