my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
