Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
