need another drink. this is the easiest way
Don't make out with my wife yet
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
