I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
