Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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