Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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