my mouth tastes like poor choices
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
