Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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