I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
