Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
