The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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