Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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