My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
