Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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