He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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