bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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