Someone shit on the floor
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Randomize
