I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
