I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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