I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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