My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
