I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
