please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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