Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
