I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
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