He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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