"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
