i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
