you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
