I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my shit smells like andre
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize