Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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