I wish my penis had an off switch
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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