Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
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