i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
