What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
