No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
