Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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