Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
