theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
