I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize