so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
