Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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