Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
