I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
