don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
